Ambivalence: having two conflicting ideals on one issue. I had to memorize the definition of ambivalence for my government class. Apparently, it is common for people, especially in politics, to contradict themselves. Not because they are trying to deceive others, but because they can’t decide what position to take on a matter. I am ambivalent. One minute, I’ll be strategizing how to get the least calories and panicking over “scary” food. The next, I’ll be worrying about my weight being too low and missing out on life. How split-minded could I possibly get? I’m tired of fighting with myself. I’m certifiably crazy. Anorexia is craziness. My default mode is anorexia. It feels like reflex to pick the lowest calorie option. Sometimes it feels like I’m fighting an uphill battle. Why can’t I be normal? Wait, no I don’t want to be normal. Yeah, I do. Crap.


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