Ehh… I’m okay.

I finished my last final of the semester. It looks like I got straight A’s this semester, which sounds like a miracle. I sank down to my lowest weight ever, fought with the idea of trying to gain weight, and obsessed (and still do) about food every day. However, I killed myself with school. I studied until my brain felt like mush, then I studied some more. School and food are the two things I use to measure my self-worth. Right now, the  main reason why I’m stuffing myself trying to gain weight is because I want, no need, to take microbiology this summer. I’m terrified I won’t meet my weight goal to take this class. I’m afraid I’ll have put myself through this torture all for nothing. I feel like a horrible person for saying this, but it’s all true. This is exactly how I feel. No matter how much I tell myself I need to gain weight for my health and sanity, all I’ve felt is sick and miserable eating this much food. I won’t post numbers, but I’m eating far more than what a “normal” person would eat. It almost feels like I’m binging, and it’s so hard not to purge. Pray for me. I need all the prayers I can get.

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