New Motivations

Last week, I went to UF preview. I’m so excited for this fall! I want to swim in the Florida Pool, volunteer at the Ronald McDonald House, and be able to drive myself to other activities. I want to be an independent college student. I have stayed stable on the weight front, but my binging, purging, and other weird OCD eating disorder habits have lessened. I think I’m slowly improving, but not fast enough! I’m afraid of gaining weight because it means I have to challenge my calorie number fears. I’m also afraid of feeling lazy, fat, and out of control. But, to be honest, I already feel some of those things already. I’m so tired and frustrated with dealing with this eating disorder and all of these irrational feelings and beliefs. I want to get out of this eating disordered cage, but I feel trapped. I keep on telling myself: I need to gain weight. I need to eat calories. I want to be normal and happy.

P.S.: I did great in my summer Microbiology Class and Lab. I got a 99% final grade!!!! I loved it!


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