Tonight, I had a nightmare. I had eaten a small apple, a banana, (at least) 3 measuring-cupfuls of flour made into a paste with water and splenda, 2 cups brownie ice cream, 2 bagels with a container of cream cheese, and around a cup of chunky peanut butter. I tried to lengthen the amount of time between purges so the food would have time to digest and my body could absorb some of the calories. It’s so twisted. Whenever I’m afraid my weight is too low, I binge and purge. Why can’t I just eat more? Maybe it’s a way to get calories, not feel full, and relieve some stress. It’s so greedy and selfish, though! It makes me hate myself. What a waste of my family’s time, money, and food! Not only am I wasting food when I binge, I’m wasting my parents time and money that they’ve invested in therapy for me. Another reason why I might do it is because it’s the only way I have ever gained a significant amount of weight. Four years ago, when I first started binging and purging, I gained 15 pounds in 3 months. I was disgusted with myself, but at least my parents were happy with my weight. I just have to remember: People can gain weight without binging and purging! One bad night does not have to trigger downward spiral of several bad nights. That could honestly kill me. I still haven’t woken up from this eating disorder nightmare, but the morning is coming.