I just ate a lot of food, and I liked it. I ate cake, but I also ate carrots. I ate peanut butter, but I also ate yogurt. I ate high calorie “safe” “healthy” foods (cottage cheese, protein powder, almonds.” I ate low calorie “safe” “healthy” foods (carrots, sugar snap peas, plain yogurt.” I ate high calorie “junk” foods (cake and cookies.) I ended up eating around 1500 calories. Is it a binge if I need to gain weight? I felt out of control, but is it the anorexia making me feel that way? I think it’s a strange kind of victory. I ate what I needed.
I know. Is it too early to write about the Thanksgiving and Christmas? The holidays are usually really hard for me because they are surrounded by food. I had a revelation: it doesn’t have to be all about food! Thanksgiving should be about being with family and being thankful. Christmas should be about being generous and enjoying the gifts! This time, I’m going to focus on other things besides food. I make myself miserable, not the holidays. I’m actually excited about black friday. Here’s a link to some things I’m thinking of buying: http://www.i4u.com/54/black-friday
Today, I went to my dietician. I haven’t binged or purged since the 4th. I feel so much better after seeing her! I told her I’ve been struggling knowing whether I’m eating enough and the binging and purging. She started me on food exchanges. For dinner I followed the exchanges and I ate more than I have in a while. I also don’t feel as guilty because I feel like I have permission to eat. I’m hoping I’ll have more control over my eating and gain some weight. It’s funny. I used to think the eating disorder gave me control over food. Now, I realize that when I obey my eating disorder, I’m out of control. When I’m truly in control, I’m eating what my body needs.
Mom caught me at the end of a binge this morning. I had eaten 2 bananas, 1/4 of a chocolate panettone, 2 cups cottage cheese, a couple tablespoons peanut butter, and a package of chicken deli meat. Mom said that I had gorged and been greedy. I hadn’t purged yet, but it made me want to purge even more; to get rid of it all and forget about it. Dad got up and said the amount I had eaten was fine. He just didn’t want me eating alone and to the point of feeling physically sick. I still wanted to purge, but Dad made it possible for me to sit in my chair and not purge. Calorie numbers *trigger warning* Continue reading
It is so easy to get sucked into the cycle of binging and purging. I’m now struggling with weird food cravings I discovered during my recent binges: pie crust and raw flour and water paste. Right now, I really want to binge and purge on those things, but, thank God, there’s no privacy. Everyone’s awake. I wish I’d never started. It seems like once I give into a craving, the craving happens more often. If I see the binging and purging like a downward spiral, there’s no escape. Eventually, I’ll be pulled under. However, if binging and purging is more like a riptide, I can swim at a diagonal. It will be really hard at first, but as I swim away from the riptide (temptations) the pull won’t be as strong. I haven’t binged and purged yet today. I’m not going to. I’m going to ask for a benedryl so I don’t wake up in the middle of the night and have a binging and purging session.
Tonight, I had a nightmare. I had eaten a small apple, a banana, (at least) 3 measuring-cupfuls of flour made into a paste with water and splenda, 2 cups brownie ice cream, 2 bagels with a container of cream cheese, and around a cup of chunky peanut butter. I tried to lengthen the amount of time between purges so the food would have time to digest and my body could absorb some of the calories. It’s so twisted. Whenever I’m afraid my weight is too low, I binge and purge. Why can’t I just eat more? Maybe it’s a way to get calories, not feel full, and relieve some stress. It’s so greedy and selfish, though! It makes me hate myself. What a waste of my family’s time, money, and food! Not only am I wasting food when I binge, I’m wasting my parents time and money that they’ve invested in therapy for me. Another reason why I might do it is because it’s the only way I have ever gained a significant amount of weight. Four years ago, when I first started binging and purging, I gained 15 pounds in 3 months. I was disgusted with myself, but at least my parents were happy with my weight. I just have to remember: People can gain weight without binging and purging! One bad night does not have to trigger downward spiral of several bad nights. That could honestly kill me. I still haven’t woken up from this eating disorder nightmare, but the morning is coming.
I don’t know if it’s the Zyprexa or psychosomatic (or maybe both,) but I’ve seen some positive changes recently. I’ve had some good days and bad days, but the good days have been markedly better and more frequent. For example, tonight I had a full serving of spaghetti (a huge fear food,) 3 meatballs (even bigger fear food,) and a dessert of peanut m&ms, banana, cottage cheese, and almonds. To give you an idea of how incredibly impressive tonight was, I haven’t eaten a serving of spaghetti and 2 meatballs without crying hysterically in at least a year, let alone a dessert! Of course, I had to make the decision to eat these foods, but the anxiety level has become manageable. I’m super hopeful! Maybe I can put on some weight!
Nobody loves me. Everybody hates me. I guess I’ll go eat worms.
Most people think cottage cheese is a diet food, but it can also be a very yummy calorie booster. It has around the same calories as ice cream (100-140 per half cup,) and it has calcium and protein. Here are the ways I usually fix it:
Cottage cheese, vanilla, sweetener, and cinnamon- Tastes kinda like cookie dough!
Cottage cheese and salsa- Great for dipping chips in!
Cottage cheese, salt, pepper, and pork rinds- Don’t knock it ’till you try it!
Cottage cheese and cereal- Crunchy and creamy!
So, I’ve started taking Zyprexa, an anti-psychotic. I’m not psychotic, I just feel anxious all the time. When I say I’m anxious all the time, I’m serious. I feel on edge at random times during the day, not just at meal times. If I start feeling stressed out about something, I’ll feel stressed out hours later, even if the stressful situation has been resolved. Zyprexa is actually the only medication that has been shown to help people with anorexia at a low body weight. I’ve tried SSRIs with no success. There are two side effects that come with Zyprexa that may help me: it’s a mild sedative and it helps with weight gain. I have a hard time sleeping, but since I’ve started taking it, I haven’t had a problem falling asleep. In fact, I’ve had a hard time not napping all day! The only other side effect I’ve experienced is a back ache, but it’s not dehabilitating. It’s just annoying. I’ve noticed a slight change in my anxiety level already! Another plus to this medication, is that it doesn’t take weeks to start working, like other psych meds. It works 8 hours after taking it the first time. I’m hopeful that this medication will actually help me.