I’m stuck right now. I’ve been doing a lot of behaviors lately. I’ve started hiding food and purging a lot more. I try to make my parents think I’m eating “scary” foods, but then I’ll hide it. Sometimes I just get too frightened to eat what I picked, so I hide it. I’ve started purging more often. I start eating and I don’t stop. I don’t binge on purpose, it just happens because I’m trying to impress my parents, or I feel desperate to gain weight so I can be independent. I keep it in, but if I’m still feeling ill and guilty about what I’ve eaten, I’ll purge a few hours afterwards. Also, I’ve started starving myself all day and eating 1000 or more calories at night to make my parents think I’m eating more. I’m terrified to tell anyone because I don’t want to disappoint them. I’m also afraid of having to go inpatient or to the hospital. I feel like such a failure right now. I’m not giving up. It’s time to start digging myself out of this hole.
I haven’t had a therapist since last year. I didn’t give up on therapy. Actually, I found it really helpful, but the insurance dropped her, and I couldn’t afford to go anymore. So, I went to UF’s EDRC (Eating Disorder Recovery Center) and was referred to a therapist that was in network and specialized in eating disorders, a rarity. She had worked with other eating disordered clients before, and she seemed to know exactly what I was dealing with, which has never happened before. She said, “The eating disorder has put holes in your developmental “wall.” Your social and emotional growth has been stunted and distorted. My goal is to fill in those holes. Then, over time, we’ll wallpaper over those.” That hit home. I’m the “nice girl.” No one feels like they can’t talk to me or ask me for favors, but no one tries to be more than an acquaintance. I’m a boring person. At least, that’s what I usually think. But, maybe I’m not a boring person. Maybe, if I’m boring at all, it’s because of the eating disorder. Maybe I don’t have close friends because I don’t make an effort to talk with people outside of class and church. Maybe I feel alone because I’m too embarrassed to share my struggles with this hellish eating disorder. I have hope. The eating disorder has become my identity, but maybe I can find another, healthier identity to replace it.
I must be horrible to be around. One minute, I’m crying, the next, I feel like screaming (but I don’t.) It’s like my nerves are sunburned. I feel anxious all the time, and everything seems to irritate me. I feel like a jerk all the time. I hate the way I act. I’m more angry at myself than anyone else because I know I put myself in the situation I’m in. I’m trying new foods and changing OCD habits, which makes me terribly nervous and anxious. I’m really upset because I don’t seem to be gaining weight, but that’s my fault, too. I’ll have a really good, high calorie day. Then, I’ll feel so guilty, I’ll restrict the next day. Tears. Tears. Tears.
Haagen Dazs 2 Ingredient Ice Cream Bread
- Any flavor pint of Haagen Dazs
- 1 1/2 cups SELF-RISING flour
Preheat oven to 350. Mix together softened Haagen Dazs and 1 1/2 cups self-rising flour. Pour into bread pan and bake for 35 minutes or until done.
This is seriously the easiest recipe ever. I love it! I used coffee Haagen Dazs. This is perfect for me, because the bread doesn’t taste really sweet. I have a hard time feeling guilty about eating sweet things, so this allows me to eat Haagen Dazs (a calorie bomb) more often and in bigger quantities. The bread has a cakey texture, so if you wanted to, you could add a glaze. I ate my slice with a frozen banana and dark chocolate. Also, remember to use self-rising flour, not all-purpose. If you use all-purpose flour, add in baking powder and a little salt, or your bread is going to magically become a brick.
Last week, I went to UF preview. I’m so excited for this fall! I want to swim in the Florida Pool, volunteer at the Ronald McDonald House, and be able to drive myself to other activities. I want to be an independent college student. I have stayed stable on the weight front, but my binging, purging, and other weird OCD eating disorder habits have lessened. I think I’m slowly improving, but not fast enough! I’m afraid of gaining weight because it means I have to challenge my calorie number fears. I’m also afraid of feeling lazy, fat, and out of control. But, to be honest, I already feel some of those things already. I’m so tired and frustrated with dealing with this eating disorder and all of these irrational feelings and beliefs. I want to get out of this eating disordered cage, but I feel trapped. I keep on telling myself: I need to gain weight. I need to eat calories. I want to be normal and happy.
P.S.: I did great in my summer Microbiology Class and Lab. I got a 99% final grade!!!! I loved it!
Whenever my family went to the beach, I would love climbing sand dunes. As I climbed up the dune, rough plants and pieces of drift wood would cut my feet. If I paused for a second, the sand would start eroding and I would start sliding down. Eventually, I would reach the top! This is what I think recovery feels like. It’s painful. Whenever I “climb” to recovery, my nerves are shredded instead of my feet. If I give into the urges to restrict, binge, or purge, I can slide down so fast. I can see the top, and I want to be there so badly! Why do I have to climb? Why can’t I take a four-wheeler?
I’m able to take my class! As long as I keep showing improvement, I’ll be able to stay in school. I feel so much pressure to get better quicker. I slip-up sometimes, and my mom acts like I’ve slid all the way down the sand dune. She forgets how many steps I’ve taken and how cut-up I am. It makes me feel like I can never be good enough for her. I want her to be proud of me. How can I expect her to do that when I can’t do it myself? Maybe she really doesn’t have much to be proud of from me.
I finished my last final of the semester. It looks like I got straight A’s this semester, which sounds like a miracle. I sank down to my lowest weight ever, fought with the idea of trying to gain weight, and obsessed (and still do) about food every day. However, I killed myself with school. I studied until my brain felt like mush, then I studied some more. School and food are the two things I use to measure my self-worth. Right now, the main reason why I’m stuffing myself trying to gain weight is because I want, no need, to take microbiology this summer. I’m terrified I won’t meet my weight goal to take this class. I’m afraid I’ll have put myself through this torture all for nothing. I feel like a horrible person for saying this, but it’s all true. This is exactly how I feel. No matter how much I tell myself I need to gain weight for my health and sanity, all I’ve felt is sick and miserable eating this much food. I won’t post numbers, but I’m eating far more than what a “normal” person would eat. It almost feels like I’m binging, and it’s so hard not to purge. Pray for me. I need all the prayers I can get.
I gained a pound this week! I’m trying to act happy about it, but it’s hard not to freak out and start restricting. Instead of thinking, “I’ve gained a whole pound of fat instead of muscle,” I’m going to try to think, “I gained a whole pound of fat that my body desperately needs to keep warm and have energy. I’m a pound closer to taking my summer class. I’m a pound closer to being able to give blood, rock climb, and ice skate. I am gaining a pound I lost. I am not gaining extra weight. I’m restoring my body.” In order to take my microbiology college class, I need to gain an average of a pound a week for the next four weeks. Right now, I’m too light to safely give blood, rock climb, or ice skate. If I get a concussion or seriously injured, I probably wouldn’t be let out of the hospital. So, it’s incredibly important that my body “gets fat.” So….. Yay! I gained a pound!
Ambivalence: having two conflicting ideals on one issue. I had to memorize the definition of ambivalence for my government class. Apparently, it is common for people, especially in politics, to contradict themselves. Not because they are trying to deceive others, but because they can’t decide what position to take on a matter. I am ambivalent. One minute, I’ll be strategizing how to get the least calories and panicking over “scary” food. The next, I’ll be worrying about my weight being too low and missing out on life. How split-minded could I possibly get? I’m tired of fighting with myself. I’m certifiably crazy. Anorexia is craziness. My default mode is anorexia. It feels like reflex to pick the lowest calorie option. Sometimes it feels like I’m fighting an uphill battle. Why can’t I be normal? Wait, no I don’t want to be normal. Yeah, I do. Crap.
So, tonight I decided to kick ED in the head. My Daddy bought me some Boost VHC (530 cal in 8 oz.) a few days ago, and I’ve been too terrified to drink them because it’s so caloric, and I remember being forced to drink ensure and boosts earlier in my eating disorder. So, I found a way to use it!
1 cup oatmeal + 1 carton of Boost VHC = KO for ED
The oatmeal mellows out the flavor of the boost, and it doesn’t taste too sweet, either. The oatmeal ends up being creamy and vanilla-y. I’m freaking out a little bit, but it’s a quick easy way to get a ton of nutrition.